I believe that we are all born with a sense of knowing God’s love for us. A yearning for it. We got lost in the wonder of the beauty of the world and the tree branches we swung from. We walked along the pebbles of the creek as the fall leaves crunched beneath our feet. The bugs that now disgust us, they bloomed our curiosity, and the sidewalk cracks we dared not step on because it meant we had “cooties.” We gazed at the sun as it grew bigger before our eyes as it set for the night, and the rain was an invitation to splash in. All was innocent. All was love.
At a young age as I walked along those pebbles of the little creek and played with those leaves that crushed beneath my feet, I saw a blanket in the near distance with a radio playing. I knew my cue and walked on over. I was met with this man, whom I’d become familiar with and I knew what I was to do. How this began and ended, my mind hasn’t brought it to remembrance, yet, if it ever will. How many times? That, I also do not recall. But what I do know is that I was scared, I felt I didn’t have a voice, and I was raped. Suddenly, all the wonder, all the beauty, and all the curiosity vanished. I saw things through a different filter. All the good turned bad and I did not trust. Every green leaf would brown and fall, the cracks didn’t matter any more, and the sun didn’t look the same. It was all stolen with my innocence. Something that I had yet to understand, and definitely could not process. I pushed what I knew deep down, and continued on as best as I could. Never said a word until my adult years, as many victims do.
I became confused of that omnipresent Love I was born knowing. I questioned it with everything else. Nothing was for certain. Nothing stayed good. I would go to church with others, or periodically walked myself up to a Methodist church. I loved what was being taught and never wanted to leave, but at the same time, it made my heart ache. If His love were true, why did that man do that to me? Why did he come to my favorite place? And why do I feel the way that I do? This pit, this dark deep void that keeps sucking me back in. But I kept walking back to church. For a little while anyways.
Life got loud and I grew older. I tried to forget and succeeded for a short amount of time. Subconsciously though, it affected everything around me. Rape does that. We can push it down, but if not dealt with, at some point, it’ll suck you back into that dark deep void. But I never forgot about that wonder, that knowing. Never forgot, I just didn’t know exactly what it was, or Who it was and if I could ever get it back again.
For me the sexual abuse was too much, call me weak or call me surviving, but I did what I did to cope, and it took years from me that I couldn’t get back.
You see, I cried out one evening in my studio apartment to a God, if there still was one, of why He created me. I felt it was for no purpose but to die miserably.
Like a floodgate, everything inside me changed and He reintroduced me to His Love. It was a whirlwind of connections with people, learning about the Bible, stumbling upon Christian Music. Nichole Nordeman at the time. Her songs would sing of biblical stories. Confused and determined, I would look up what laying out a fleece meant or of moses and a burning bush, and I would get lost in this providential Love that I read. The hunger and thirst to know more of Him grew.
Years have past with mountain peaks and valleys since that night in that studio apartment filled with only things that would destruct me. Years have past with knowledge gained and my family that became. God has used my children to reintroduce me to the wonder of His beauty we have here. Of the tiny pebbles in our driveway, to the cricket on our window. To the BIG water, that’s the ocean, and to the feel of the sand.
It takes me back… to the time of the tree branches and creek that is sometimes eclipsed by the pain I endured. But more so, it creates a desire in me to soak up all the wonder I lost and to re-experience it through the eyes of my children. They’re smart. They’re moldable. They’re beautiful in every way. And every day, like before, the sun still rises and still sets in its big beautiful way.
If you feel you lost something, what can you do to gain again? I can’t go back in time and become a virgin and not grow up so fast. But I can be reintroduced and choose every day to live this blessed life and be so grateful for the chance to do it again. To wonder again. To go outside and just look at the trees and breathe. Look at the rays of the sun and feel it’s warmth. Be in the moment and not anywhere else. Not in bills, not in dinner, not in tomorrow, and not in 10 years ago, but the present moment with His Love here, now, and everywhere.
It wasn’t a fast journey for me, may be for you or it may not. But I got to a place where I could heal, where I could trust and where the length of the journey did not matter. It’s all in the journey itself.
I hope and pray that this encourages you today. Whatever you’re facing, whether it’s lost friendships, debt, uncertainty of the future, I hope you begin to wonder. I hope you begin to wonder if there’s something more. Because, there is.
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. Lam. 3:22-23
Be kind to yourself today,
Jaime Evors, CLC
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